The next morning there were connectivity exercises with the group and some interesting things came up when deconstructing the hierarchies that exist within families. I realized that my wife had placed herself as a judging child that made me feel either small or guilty for not being a good parent. Because her own parents were not capable of providing the love and emotional support she needed, she subconsciously had looked for a savior as a partner. Correspondingly, as a consequence of the weakness of my mother in the face of my father’s emotional violence, I subconsciously wanted to be the one who saves. So, our partner represents the mother or father. Yet, if we do not reclaim ourselves from this paradigm we keep on blaming our partner for not recognizing and loving us – and not doing the work ourselves. I saw that in my marriage we were repeating the parental paradigm that we reject, in order to subconsciously shed light on it. Hence, we are mirrors for each other. When you are healed you are thankful to your partner for what they have done and made you aware of. But if we are not aware of this we become doomed to repeat the failed paradigm.
In the afternoon we went swimming at a nearby lake in Seeburg. The water was cool and inviting, and swimming in it gave the beautiful feeling of my body floating freely, along with my mind. I needed to release all my thoughts and anxieties, and the water was a perfect medium in which to use my body – and not the mind. Afterwards, as we sat drying on the grass and continued our discussion of family hierarchies, a storm of no small proportion blew up – the wind blew with force and the leaves that remained in the tall oaks and maples roared raspy with each gust. The dark clouds loomed overhead and thunder was heard, but still no rain came although the temperature had dropped and the warmth of the afternoon forgotten. The maelstrom of flying leaves and shearing winds distracted me from the conversation that continued on even though it was just a matter of time before the rain would come. It did and we clambered for the shelter of our cars.
That evening, after we had returned from the lake, we each took a small portion of aya and then lined up across from each other. One by one we walked eyes closed through a tunnel of love, each person from either side holding the hand of the one coming through and touching them, hugging them gently, kissing them – their hands, their head, their shoulders – and caressing them. It was a singularly beautiful moment and one of ineffable depth as each person/soul was recognized, touched, and loved. Tears filled my eyes and those of my new friends at such a moment of humanity. Although we had only known each other for a day or two it was clear that we could recognize ourselves in the other person and knew that were part of a tribe. I did not do anything else in terms of the medicine that evening, but listened to the music and meditated, swayed, and then danced with the other facilitators. In particular, I could dance easily with M, who had told me of her own inner pain the previous night after I had recovered from my own indulgence. It was a lovely evening, as I could enjoy the ceremony and music, and explore my own lightness by not having to be sick. I could find some release from my inhibitions that often restrict me and turned in early, awaiting the final morning and last anticipated bufo experience.
Having awakened refreshed the next morning, I waited patiently through the integration exercise with the no little nervousness and anticipation that I seem to have before moonshots. A girl related to me that on her bufo journey she imploded into the singularity that is the source of all and from there bore the universe, and the universe bore her. According to her that is the pulse of life and it’s happening all the time – the endless now. Everything that is happening in the universe is what we are doing all the time and we are doing it by being. It is if the universe is an extant process of blinking in and out, the endless appearance and disappearance of space-time. The realizations she had during it now left her giggling about all the problems that were not real, and she felt relief that the wars of her past and past lives were over. Even several days later she said she could still feel the oneness. Perhaps we all know that at some level, but it’s either long forgotten or dismissed as a consequence of the conditioning we receive after we are born. Maybe the day when all humanity remembers what has come before, we will be free of the past – individual or collective, whatever it may be. The past is a just template that we can either accept or reject, yet it is the major determinant of our present and future. One has to be fully awake to see how our past influences every moment of our lives, for better or worse.
While the girl was giving birth to the universe and the universe giving birth to her, the others had drawn pictures of what we felt or experienced the night before. With my rather poor artistic skills, I drew the perimeter fence, with the vista of the brown fields and green trees beyond. But I left an opening in the fence open with my family in the center passing through towards the open space and light, released from its barriers. I liked the idea of that, it fitting well with what I was going through and what I wished to be true. To be released from the parental paradigm, the barriers that prevent us from deep love and connection. I then heard my name being called from outside – it was time to go again.
Time to go again
I sat outside under the shade of a red maple and looking through the leaves stared into the clear blue sky above. U helped with the pipe and let me take it all in deeply, slowly and completely. With my eyes closed, the sunlit imagery of retinal afterglow suddenly fragmented into endless fractals of red and orange. As I exhaled and opened my eyes, the veil of vision also dissolved, turning into geometric fractals, and I began to see the world without borders of the mind – to be the world. Though my ego-self tried to maintain control and there was a moment of fear that it would not, I told myself not to fear and only to love and accept. In fact, I can only thank all those inner voices that have told me to let go of fear, especially my Indian guide, who said to live fearlessly. Beyond where I had gone that afternoon in the forest outside Koln, this time I lost all awareness of myself, of this world, and of my entire body. For how long this lasted, I cannot say – minutes, eternity. Where I was there is no time. But then, as if coming in from a very faraway place at the speed of light, my awareness reentered the body and found myself in a sitting position and roaring at the top of my lungs, again and again. Not a weak roar, not a scream from pain or agony, but a primal roar just as loud and as free as a roar could be. Mine. I roared the joy of release from myself, release from the burdens my character – that whom I have chosen to play in this life – has piled on. True freedom from all that binds, all that controls, all that has made you – you. That is true freedom, to reside within the infinite dimensionless consciousness – and know. Know you are one, know you are free, and know that there is no separation from God – because you are God. This truly is the ultimate experience of life – and perhaps also the ultimate experience of death…
