After the initial explorations of the self with MDMA, L suggested to use another entheogen that would widen the scope of conscious awareness beyond the personal narrative. In this case, she meant the use of psilocybin-containing mushrooms. As with the first medicine, she invited me to come with intention and for my part I had intended to take another step upwards along the spiritual path to oneness or samadhi. Yet, unlike MDMA, which is more easily influenced by thoughts and intentions, mushrooms can have their own intentions and bring on experiences that transcend deep psycho-spiritual barriers of the self.
A short while after consuming several grams of the dried (and not particularly tasteful) mushrooms, I lay back and with my eyes closed began to see masses of undulating soft tissue, orange-colored intestinal or uterine/ovarian flesh, with small roundish areas that were glistening wet and either expanding or contracting. I became one with this tissue and felt its awareness devoid of thought or perception of any kind. I later became immersed in blossoming rosettes that had friendly animal faces of many kinds, in particular a beautiful wild cat. But in addition to this warmth and beauty, I also experienced a reptilian world of slivering creatures with red dinosaur-like eyes and black backbone-like structures, wet and ominous. This world held no beauty nor feeling of love or compassion, and was rent of any emotion except for that of to consume or be consumed. To the sound of dideriju music in the background and being far from my normal level of conscious awareness, I writhed along with these reptiles and felt the unmistakable horror of a consciousness that lacked any mammalian emotion. It was then that my outward anxiousness led L to use some body work in order to relax me, which it did, but not before I had nearly begged her to change the music that had inspired those visions. During which I also beheld demonic imagery – smallish sinister-looking elves with red eyes and pointed hats. Perhaps the real face of the medicine, I imagined – although I was not afraid, but rather curious.
Yet I did not enjoy these visions and felt rather uncomfortable, even annoyed, that this is what the medicine had showed me. Whereas I had wanted an ethereal trip to a higher plane of thought and existence, instead I beheld a vision of consciousness from the ground up. From the lowest point of awareness through reptiles and finally up to flowering plants and mammals, which appeared as one at times.
Because of this discomfort I opened my eyes just slightly and saw the room shimmer with beautiful cloth-like patterns with rainbow-colored points of light, like a fabric of lights. L sat like an Indian sentinel bathed in gold light – at times guarding me, but also making me listen to the sounds of the dideriju that evoked my disquietude. I kept asking her for silence, but it took a long time till she finally stopped the music. She spoke and I noticed that the colors of her face changed and she suddenly looked very much older than her years. But the new-found silence was beautiful and I sat up in peace, feeling good, and was meditative for what seemed quite a while – shaking off the intense stupor of the trip cast by the mushrooms. I ate some fruit and looked at photographs of my family and old friends – and saw how incredibly beautiful they were. They were so intense that I cried tears both from the sheer beauty and also the thought they were frozen moments of time that would never return. I cried for minute or two before holding it back, but might’ve carried on for longer.
Although much time in this life has passed and I am not young anymore, I realized that I still want and need more of it. This journey in consciousness not only showed me a very base/early level of consciousness in life and the different life forms, it also showed me a sense of my inner fears – some very primal. But the better part was that it let me see the beauty and love that I have in this life. I didn’t learn why I was here, didn’t see sacred geometry or godly images, but was so very grateful for being able to see and feel the extent of awareness – from cellular level all the way up the chain of life to human form.
