I had awaited catharsis for a lifetime – to die and be reborn. After all those years of creating and being me I, my ego-self, yet always wondering just who and what I really am – and why? I finally discovered. It’s like awakening from a deep and seemingly endless slumber, one from which I woke to see my true self, hear my true voice – strong, uninhibited, and released from the limitations of the ego-self. The voice of the God within. Such a powerful and knowing voice, a far cry from what I live with from day to day. Not the cry of anger or fear, but that of man awake and aware, born into this world anew. It is the voice of a perfect human bio-machine that has finally awoken from within not only to see himself and feel his complete separation from the god-state, but also to know why.
After several minutes, I was able to lay back on my blanket and find both complete peace and tranquility. I looked at the unfurling snow-white clouds in the blue sky and their swirling, self-creating, fractal behavior and found myself once again within my identity – as me, but now with the knowledge of existence. I saw swallows dart and fly against the deep blue sky, just like the thoughts in my head, and was filled with immense love and compassion for the world and myself. For indeed, I loved myself – and loved being back in the body, despite the obvious confines of my ego-identified mind. I teared up a bit from the beauty of it all and laughed out loud at the bullshit game of life that I had fallen victim to – the big cosmic joke played on us by the universe! Like Shakespeare correctly surmised, in this life we are the authors, characters, actors and audience of our own design. This is the cosmic play, the leela, so welcome to it everyone. Whether you know it or not, whether you believe it or not, you are the designer of your life.
It seems that we either forget what we have once learned or known before birth and learn as we go by behavioral reinforcement from the fallible and highly imperfect others who have come before us and raise us. This is how all the problems and misinterpretations of life arise, and leave us desensitized to the joy of living. The joy that we are – thou that art – God masquerading through us as avatars of the infinite consciousness. Although I realized that time does not really exist, it being an illusion born of the activity of the thinking mind, I still felt the process of reconnecting back into my body and my ego-self. Indeed, after those blissful moments the ego-self was muscling its way back, seeping in and filling me once again with mannerisms, structured thought, and control mechanisms. But I laughed and giggled out loud at this exceedingly funny cosmic joke and mindfuck the universe has played on me. Yet I don’t blame God (existence) or anyone or anything for this, because really it’s all me – I created it, I own it, it’s all mine. This titanic realization kept me giggling for quite a while. How silly and ignorant I could be, I thought, and I laughed out loud at the idea of my glorious roar and what the neighbors nearby must have thought as I awoke from my deep sleep.