Several months later I was put in contact with a practitioner, J, that uses synthetic bufo (5-Meo-DMT) and was willing take me through the experience albeit slowly, progressively, and carefully in order to perpetuate the state of samadhi. This is exactly what I had been looking for – a slower trajectory upward and inward, coupled with a long period in the plateau phase of the experience. He said that’s exactly how he works – through a controlled series of ascents comprising several rounds of vaped or smoked material. This sounded very much like the way to experience the non-dual state without the white-out, the inevitable loss of consciousness one encounters with single large doses of bufo. I wanted to see how deep can one go and still remain conscious – even if that meant god consciousness and not the thinking mind state of sentience. Awareness within awareness, the gateway to all understanding.
Our meeting had been delayed a few weeks until a reasonably warm January day appeared. Bringing along a close friend, S, we picked up J and searched for a reasonably open, yet secluded, spot in some nearby woods. After finding us a nice clearing situated between silvery Mediterranean pines perched on a small bluff overlooking some scrub oaks and carob trees, we sat on mats for a “handshake” round of vaping, just to get acquainted with the material at low dosage. As I took my first inhalation, I noticed the distinct and unwelcome taste of marijuana in my mouth. Apparently the pipe had been used frequently for that, yet as marijuana is a no-go for me it gave rise to some unpleasant feelings. Thus, my first thoughts were not very optimistic and did not have the more positive sendoff that S was experiencing. Although I was jolted into the zen-like phase of the bufo experience, where time and space stand still, my mind wouldn’t fully let go to enjoy the experience as in the earlier sessions. The pines, which had been glowing in the sunshine, suddenly appeared dark as a cloud crossed the sun and instead of relaxation, I felt the burden of the years, the burden of my mind, the burden of fears, responsibilities, thoughts – essentially, the burden of being me. The weight of all of it hung on my shoulders and while I vocalized a bit in order to gain some release, I basically stayed in full consciousness and suffered all the more for it.
After a short while I came down a bit and felt rather nauseous. I thought to myself why this? Why not a smooth release? I immediately felt the unease of not living up to expectations and wondered about why I have to prove myself at all times – even when surrendering to the medicine? I felt disappointed in not having a smooth send-off and found it ironic that my friend had eased into it so easily, even though he had been far more anxious than I beforehand. S was smiling a beatific smile and was clearly relaxed and released – and I was truly glad for him. I had hoped for the same, but J encouraged me by saying that we had plenty of time and that we’d do a lot more. I wasn’t exactly relieved by that statement, but it did have a relaxing effect and somehow I was less afraid of going forward.
In and out of the great Tao
The next round was with a different pipe, beginning first with a strong hit of the 5-Meo and then another, lesser, hit during the experience. J held space and watched over us quietly, letting things unfold without interference. Then there was a short eyes-open round and then fourth and fifth rounds for myself alone. That whole afternoon was spent in the shade of the pines, coming in and out of the great Tao.
In that second round, I initially found myself saying over and over – “why?” All I could muster was “why” and it resonated so deeply throughout my entire self-awareness as pity. I pitied myself and my children, and pitied the fate of mankind. I grieved over “why?” Why we have created our lives in this way, I asked? Where is the love and joy of being? Why do we run our lives like machines of doing? This was a cry from my very soul, now naked and revealed, stripped of its armor and alone in the universe, asking God not just for myself, but for all of mankind. Why are we so blind to the truth, why are we so blinded by our own thinking minds? Why do we engage in this folly of ego – the misery and pain, and the insane dukkha (ignorance) called modern life that we have brought upon ourselves and children? Why our grasping onto the false identity of a weak, unempowered, and fearful ego-self that inevitably brings only misery and suffering to all. Why this inability to overcome past hurt? Why this inability to just love? Why is it that our minds have become so debilitated and corrupted by the conditioning that substitutes egoic thinking for oneness, competitiveness for connection, and coats of armor for love? That is the great tragedy of it all, I thought.
The greatest tragedy of the human existence is in its own mind-limited concept of the self. It may have helped us evolve, but I felt a great sadness at the trade-off – at the cost of inner peace, joyful awareness, and self-love – our fall from the garden. My fall from the garden.
Yet amidst the agony, I began to let go of the existential pain and surrendered to the ocean of love that is the true me – the true self. While I still sensed the tragic nature of living as a being of lower consciousness, I also felt the deep glory of being alive and knowing – sentience. Suddenly, there was no self anymore and the I became a dazzling swirling ocean of color and beauty, a pure dimensionless state of consciousness that is infinite, eternal, and ineffable. No words can describe the experience of samadhi – dharmakaya – rapture – whatever word you wish to attach, it doesn’t matter as it cannot be conveyed.
Thou art that is all one needs to know.
